A Hopefully Temporary Impass

For years I've been on a 'quest' (overly grandiose word but the first I could think of...) to better myself. Such a thing is thankfully common place among the more self aware. For years I've yearned to improve myself, have made mistakes and bad decisions and, while they were very painful, taught me that the path I'd chosen was the wrong one. I'd backtrack and better the instruction going forward.

This time, I'm a little lost... I've always found that expression a somewhat amusing - "a little lost" - how quaint, how very English to underplay the fact that you don't know where the hell you are. The truth of the fact is that you can be 'a little unsure of where you are' , definitely, but "lost" is ungradable in my opinion - you're either lost, or you're not... So, when I say that "I'm a little lost", what I suppose I mean is that I'm lost, just lost.

I can't see any way to backtrack, from what I can see from my limited viewpoint I can only go forward, but am either too unsure of, or too afraid of, the direction to follow it. Or simply too incompetent to do so...

I can't remember having been as depressed in my life. I can remember being depressed, yes, struggling to get out of bed until the sun has gone down, yes, rendered helpless by a little thing like just missing a bus or my bottle of coke fizzing up, yes, but it seems as though there was always *something* in my life at the time. Music, close friends, even alcohol and getting sh1tfaced every evening, a passion of some description, something. A lifeline, *something* to cling to. I see no such buoy at the moment. Or rather I could see adopting something as a lifeline but am filled with too much apathy to engage it. So I plod on.

I can only hope that this is a temporary because for all the emo-ness, I can't hack this much longer.

No, I'm not going to kill myself, lol, I'm not that far gone, or that stupid, or selfish. But every time I've come close to feeling like this for such a long time, I've done something stupid and/or life changing...